Unsolicited Cleaning


I will know I have officially arrived when I can hire a permanently sustained cleaning staff. Until said appointed time, I'll keep falling all the way out with the maid(me) and everyone who assigns that title to me.

 

I'm not a perfectionist, but I am territorial about my home and spaces. There is so much outside of my space I don't control, or influence. My home is something that is MINE, and should be as I desire. (OR AT LEAST AS I PUT FORTH THE EFFORT TO MAINTAIN) I would appreciate not having opposition. Apparently that isn't possible because I don't live alone.

 

Here's the thing. I have attached Mommy Dearest Type Anger to cleaning. Like don't talk to me while I'm cleaning. Don't have the nerve to be home and not be cleaning while I'm cleaning. Everything and everybody is wrong until the house is put into order.

If I'm cleaning, you're cleaning, or you're gonna get an EAR full.

 

I've thought to myself over the years, what fuels this fury? Do I hate cleaning? What is it about cleaning that triggers my anger?

 

Recently, the Diet Dr Pepper (which I seldom drink) exploded in the fridge. I discovered it. Meaning many folks could have taken action sooner....

When I discovered it, I had a laundry list of task to complete, and cleaning the fridge wasn't on the list.

 

As I began to frantically clean my entire fridge. I was fussin up a storm. It was in that moment that I gained clarity. It's not cleaning that bothers me. I will gratefully clean what God provides me. It's unintended cleaning that sets me off. 

It was in that moment that all my ants flashed before me.

Every time I am cleaning behind a capable bodied person in a non (me) designated area, I get irate.

Blame immediately swarms my maid? These thoughts flood and fuel the anger.

 

Why am I cleaning this?" So and So" should be cleaning this. This is ridiculous! What am I? The maid? Why is it always me?

 

In the middle of cleaning the fridge , I realized that I felt like my feelings were invalidated and I was being taken for granted, and dismissed. All these negative feelings from anyone would set me off. From those inside my house, ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!

 

I mean they know how I feel about the refrigerator, how could they let this happen? Why don't they care?

 

Then I thought, what if this just happened, and there was no one to blame? The fact is that I'd would still be responsible for cleaning it. 

 

So I took a tiny break to breathe. There are a million things that I don’t control. There will always be spills I didn't cause that will require my time, energy, and resources to resolve and to clean up.

 

Such is life.

In those few breaths, I was no less angry for every time I've felt disrespected, disregarded, or invalidated, but I did realize that life goes on. I want my life to go on peacefully. In that brazen moment, I chose personal peace over verbal violence. 

It felt safe to silence the fury.

 

I've been a serial angry cleaner for decades and my feelings won't change overnight, but with some intention, I can allow my experience to bear the burden of non intended cleaning, and extend grace.

 

At the end of everyday, I just want a clutter free bleached home, and nobody will deliver it for me, but me.

Until I manifest my permanent paid cleaning staff, I'll toil and labor with being a spoiled entitled human.

Because not cleaning is not an option, I'll figure out how to arrive at clean peacefully.

The important thing is acceptance. I accept that I gotta do what I gotta do, and I can not like it too.

 

So, as I get my home together for Hibernation and Holidays, wish me luck and world peace.

Abundance Always

 

 

 

 

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